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Thread: I Hate Cats

  1. #1
    Plane Touched
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    Default I Hate Cats

    Holy ****.

    I hate them with a passion so fierce I'm typing this entire post with my face.

    I love my girlfriend. I hate her cat. Every day I lock eyes with this cat and telepathically warn it that one day I'll get it. I don't know how, or what I'll do, but I'll find a way. I just wish it was smart enough, because I'd keep a loaded gun in an unlocked nightstand, or an entire bottle of Drano with the lid off under the sink.

    But cats are too stupid to kill by being irresponsible. They'll just ram their stupid faces into your leg until you pet them or find the courage to murder them.

    Now granted, before you go calling animal control or the police, know that it's not in my nature to physically harm an animal. Which just infuriates me even more. If an animal has ever deserved a punch in the face it's this stupid ****ing cat.

    It meows incessantly, sometimes for attention, other times because it wants to be pet or just to utilize the power of it's raspy, whining voice to make my blood boil. It also keeps us up at night. Sometimes it crawls - seriously - directly onto my girlfriends chest and meows an inch from her face.

    My girlfriend does not do well when she doesn't get her sleep. As a gamer I can survive on caffeine and lonliness for 24 hours before I so much as sneeze. She gets queasy, cranky, and fatigued for the rest of the day. The cat is effectively hurting my girlfriend. And you know what happens when you hurt my girlfriend? You get the crap beaten out of you. Unless you're a cat. Because cats are invincible. I can't hurt them because I can't hurt an animal. I can't torture it psychologically because then it just becomes more annoying. It can't go and die because my girlfriend would be sad. I can't accidentally leave the door open because it's too stupid to run for freedom.

    Also. It has diabetes.

    The cat has ****ing diabetes.

    It's an expensive animal. It takes insulin shots twice a day and has special food.

    But you know what? It's cool. Because I can see why someone likes cats. You can take them to cat parks and enjoy their company on long hikes. They hang out with you on the couch and if you're not in the mood to pet them, you let them know. They pounce on you when you come home and beg for a walk. An intruder breaks into your house and they're like "Nah. You should leave. I can wake up the house or I can just bite you. Your call." They play with toys, poop outside, chew on bones with insurmountable glee, get sympathetic when you're sick, cuddle when you're cold, and all around just kick ***.

    Wait. That's dogs. I'm talking about dogs.

    Cats don't do ****. They suck. They're stupid and if they're not stupid they just don't like you. You think they like you because you're a cat owner and cat owners attribute a whole mess of positive attributes to their cats that don't exist. You tell coworkers stories about your cat. No one cares. No one wants to hear about your ****ing cat.

    Do some research. Go online and check out why cats behave the way they do. It's not for the reasons you think, cat lovers.

    They hate you.

    And for you ladies out there that are single: men aren't afraid to commit to you. We're not concerned about marriage and loyalty and being faithful. The ring is an expense we've already considered early in our lives. No. It's your god damn cat. Your whining, idiotic, ball of hate that we fear. We despise. We loathe.

    And when a guy says "I love cats" or shows an extra special amount of attention to your cat? Think of a synonym for cats and consider our motivation and you've figured out what we're really after.

    I hate cats.

  2. #2
    Sword of Telara Ixath's Avatar
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    http://www.unique-baby-gear-ideas.co...omode-cats.jpg

    Comeon..

    How is that not the cutest picture ever?

    Admit it. You love cats.

  3. #3
    Plane Touched
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    Lol How does it feel to be a bigger puss than a puss?

  4. #4
    Rift Disciple Aranagon's Avatar
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    I Hate Cats-evilart.jpg Everyone can enjoy something about cats.

  5. #5
    Shadowlander
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    Hehe, nice post, Homebrew.

  6. #6
    Plane Touched
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    Uhh, I am going to have to wholeheartedly disagree with this post. I have a cat, have for almost 10 years and I am a male and I love my cat. Every day when I come home from work he is at the door waiting for me to pick him up and always shows the same affection in return. Also, when I am sick, he knows I mean literally. For example, yesterday I had a migraine headache and my cat was overly lovable because he knew I did not feel good. It is worth noting he also displays this same kind of behavior if I am sad or sick with the flu or what have you. It is not just dogs buddy, hate to tell you but you are wrong. Also, my cat poops in a litter box not all over the floor, yes I have to clean it out, so what, It is a small price to pay for a companion who has been loyal and faithful to me over the years unlike people.

    It sounds to me like you are somewhat jealous over the fact that your cat has your girlfriend wrapped around its finger and when she does get moody or cranky, you are the brunt of it. Heed my words, animals are more helpless than humans and will always appear more innocent regardless.

    Your girlfriend being moody might be because the cat keeps her awake but remember one thing, which you did mention in your post, if that cat dies, she will be miserable, especially if she has had it for a long time. If you love her, you wouldn't wish anything like that on her, or even think about killing it which your post clearly indicates. If the cat is meowing constantly, maybe it wants attention? Does anyone pay attention to the cat? Be honest. Maybe the cat likes you and is trying to get you to pet it or just show it some attention.

    Don't get me wrong, I love dogs, heck I love all animals but to say cats cannot be companions like dogs is seriously incorrect. I have had both and both display high levels of companionship/loyalty. I feel sorry for your girlfriend's cat and hope one day it claws your eyes out.

  7. #7
    Plane Walker Grymmoire's Avatar
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    And what her cat is probably plotting as your fate......

    http://img600.imageshack.us/img600/5168/nudgecat.gif
    "You're simply jealous since the voices speak only to me."

  8. #8
    Rift Disciple Daenu's Avatar
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    Not only do I have *a* cat, I have *four* cats. Every one of them are a little slice of heaven. Granted, two of them were only supposed to be temporary house guests when they showed up on my back porch at 8 weeks old, but meh. In this day and age, no one wants the responsibility of having to pay for vet bills...So...They will live here with me forever and ever.

    However, not all cats are smart enough to know when something is just plain bad for them.

    Most of the time, this is their favorite haunt. I can often find them squished in here like sardines.

    http://i251.photobucket.com/albums/g...e/f7035268.jpg

    However.....Every so often, they are not nearly as smart as they should be...As a matter of fact, the other day I shut the door on the dryer and turned it on to get the wrinkles out of some clothes that were accidentally left in there.. I went and washed my face and when I turned the water off I heard a strange thudding coming from the laundry room. Needless to say, that kitty has not made the dryer her sleeping spot again. This picture was not taken that day. She was unharmed, but VERY angry, and now takes the wide path when walking by the dryer.

    http://i251.photobucket.com/albums/g...amee/lily1.jpg

    Anyways, my dog has claimed them as her own. When they were tiny, she used to carry them around the house and put them in a place that she thought was more appropriate for cuddling than the cat tree. And now they are inseparable.

    http://i251.photobucket.com/albums/g...e/lilyjune.jpg

  9. #9
    Rift Disciple Maugrim's Avatar
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    100% agree! The only good cat is a dead cat.
    Jiu Jitsu ftw

  10. #10
    Plane Touched
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    Disagreeing with me is always welcome. Insulting me isn't.

    Allow me to return the favor:

    You're a single male that gets comfort when he gets migraines from his cat. Nothing weird about that.

    Also this:

    It is a small price to pay for a companion who has been loyal and faithful to me over the years unlike people.
    Sounds like you have a much bigger problem than I do. At least mine is with cats.

    I am not jealous of the cat. My girlfriend always favors me over the cat, and has suggested on numerous occasions he can be a nuisance and she cannot find a home for a diabetic 11 year old cat. The alternative is having him euthanized which neither of us have even considered an option.

    I know what a litter box is, and how they're used, thanks. And guess what? Your house / apartment smells like cat litter and ****. You don't think it does because you're used to it the way smokers don't think they stink after a breath mint. Your house sucks, and I can smell it from here.

    I've shown the cat more attention than the little ****er deserves. No doubt as a pushover cat lover you think when the cat demands attention, it gets it. I don't feel like petting the cat sometimes. I don't want the cat meowing in my face while I'm trying to work. Do you know how you tell a cat "no?" You spray it in the face with water. That's the most common proposed solutions - vets included - to deter a cat from something. You don't raise your voice. You don't scare it off. You don't nudge it in the direction you'd like it to go. You don't ask it to please remove it's exposed butt hole from your kitchen counter.

    You spray it in the ****ing face with a stream of water.

    Tell me how a cat is not either a) an ******* b) an idiot or c) both that you have to do that in order to suggest it stops doing something you don't like?

    As far as the cat clawing my eyes out? If it ever even tries that, it'll spend the rest of its short life in the oven.

    And I'll send you pictures.

  11. #11
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    Daenu:

    I appreciate your response. Your dog is awesome.

    Just a heads up though - your dryer could easily fit all four of those cats.

  12. #12
    RIFT Community Ambassador Laughter's Avatar
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  13. #13
    Plane Touched
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  14. #14
    RIFT Community Ambassador Laughter's Avatar
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    My husband is highly allergic he like swells up and all kinds of crazy stuff so we can't have any =(

  15. #15
    Plane Touched Hoser's Avatar
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    Lol OP lol
    I think cats are cute, but I can't be near them or in house that they live in. I'm allergic to them. Eyes swell right up and the nose starts running, then the sneezing starts. I wanted to get shots for the allergies, but then I saw how much hair they leave on the furniture. No thanks.

    It's a good thing because my wife loves cats.
    I really like dogs but they are worst then a baby. We like to go away on weekends and we work 9-5, a dog would not work with our life style.

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