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Thread: Girl trouble.

  1. #31
    Rift Disciple Sorrownight's Avatar
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    ummm Sap... (and i find that name sadly ironic)

    first, work out if your friendship with whatever-his-name-is could be already over .. you said he basicly despises you... no problem there then.. nothing to lose should you move in on her...
    work out if you see yourself knowing either of them in 5 -10 years time... if not, go for it and who cares, unless you live in a small town that everyone knows you and knows you broke them up, in which case consider moving to a bigger town or dont do anything with her.

    second, work out if she is giving you any sort of come on ... suggest a movie night at your place just you and her then hit on her if she comes... if she comes she is interested.

    Quote Originally Posted by False Hope View Post
    -SOME- men and women can be friends. Honestly, I'm more comfortable around guys than I am most women. My best and longest friends are guys.
    Sorry False Hope - No they cant. Your best and longest friends who are guys are either gay or waiting to get you in bed (or car, forest or whatever floats your boat... including boats...)
    And just because you are friends with them doesnt mean they arent waiting to nail you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dagny_Kiara View Post
    I don't care how cool the girl is, if you do this you are a crappy friend. If you're really Nick's friend why don't you be a "friend" and enlighten him how to better treat women, make a man out of him. *snip* A friend doesn't sieze the opportunity to take something from another friend just because they can. .
    unless they arent friends due to the other guy being a bit of a **** toward someone who hasnt as yet done anything with the chick in question. and if the "crappy" behaviour toward her is in the line of smacking her around I would suggest kicking his ***** regardless of if you get the girl.

    third, why would you ask for advise from people on a forum? i mean come on... it isnt like anyone here is Doctor Phil (or whatever he is called).

    fourth, 19years old? REALLY? man up, i thought you were 12 when i was reading this post.

    thats all i have folks, try the beef it is awesome.
    couldnt care less if this helps. experience is gained by making mistakes. ;)
    Last edited by Sorrownight; 02-06-2011 at 06:47 PM. Reason: spelling.

  2. #32
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    Also for the people saying men and women can't be friends... that's obviously a terrible generalization.

    I have tons of female friends... i've helped them get outta terrible relationships and also helped them find great relationships.

    It's good to have friends of the opposite gender because you can bounce ideas off of each other and get a different perspective (men and women are wired differently, they do bring different points of view)

    Just because someone is a male and someone is a female doesn't mean there automatically has to be sexual tension. People have varying degrees of compatibility and incompatibility...
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  3. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sap View Post
    I'm glad to hear this from somebody else, because I honestly want to not hurt what they have. I don't want to be a bad friend; what scares me most is what would happen to my close circle of friends. I know I need to talk to him about it, but I can never get him alone to talk about it. I would never make a move if it compromised something that was there, but I have heard him talk about other girls when he was currently dating her. .
    You seem like a good guy who wants to do the right thing... so what would you want Nick to do? Should he take your girl if he feels like he can do it better than you, or would you want him to give you some tough love and tell you that you need to treat her better.

    if they fail on their own, that's one thing, but your concern here should be your friend. Girlfriends come and go... if it doesn't work out is it worth losing your friend too?

    Best thing that you can do is lead by example as a friend and as a man. I think that's you anyway... you're obviously attracted and yet haven't moved in, that's your conscience talking.. heed it. If you're meant to be with this girl, the opportunity will present. Golden rule here hon... do unto others... /hugs... you're in a tough place, do the right thing.
    A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the lyrics.

  4. #34
    Rift Disciple AbstractAngel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dagny_Kiara View Post
    You seem like a good guy who wants to do the right thing... so what would you want Nick to do? Should he take your girl if he feels like he can do it better than you, or would you want him to give you some tough love and tell you that you need to treat her better.

    if they fail on their own, that's one thing, but your concern here should be your friend. Girlfriends come and go... if it doesn't work out is it worth losing your friend too?

    Best thing that you can do is lead by example as a friend and as a man. I think that's you anyway... you're obviously attracted and yet haven't moved in, that's your conscience talking.. heed it. If you're meant to be with this girl, the opportunity will present. Golden rule here hon... do unto others... /hugs... you're in a tough place, do the right thing.
    I couldn't agree with this more. Putting yourself in Nick's shoes is probably the most important thing to do first and foremost.

  5. #35
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    I think you are getting a lot of great advice from many different perspectives here sap... though it baffles me how concerned people are with nick when he is a guy that is putting down his gf and making her feel small.
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  6. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by dinhosaur View Post
    I think you are getting a lot of great advice from many different perspectives here sap... though it baffles me how concerned people are with nick when he is a guy that is putting down his gf and making her feel small.
    It's not a matter of defending Nick, just because Nick is an idiot doesn;t mean Sap should sell out his own moral code. Right is right even if Nick doesn't know what right is.
    A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the lyrics.

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dagny_Kiara View Post
    It's not a matter of defending Nick, just because Nick is an idiot doesn;t mean Sap should sell out his own moral code. Right is right even if Nick doesn't know what right is.
    By taking inaction towards an unhealthy situation (a bf that is belittling his gf and making her feel she can't do any better) it could also be argued as immoral. Especially if he is genuinely interested in this gal.

    I guess it just depends on your perspective...

    I personally believe in cosmic right action and wrong action and often times don't see eye to eye with what the majority deem as moral and immoral.

    I mean if a third party friend even hinted at him making a move... then there must be some legitimate justification for it. That third party friend has interacted with them as well... he sees what is up.
    Last edited by dinhosaur; 02-06-2011 at 07:10 PM.
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  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by dinhosaur View Post
    By taking inaction towards an unhealthy situation (a bf that is belittling his gf and making her feel she can't do any better) it could also be argued as immoral. Especially if he is genuinely interested in this gal.

    I guess it just depends on your perspective...

    I personally believe in cosmic right action and wrong action and often times don't see eye to eye with what the majority deem as moral and immoral.

    I mean if a third party friend even hinted at him making a move... then there must be some legitimate justification for it. That third party friend has interacted with them as well... he sees what is up.
    I do believe I said a few times he should take action but the apporpriate action is not trying to take your friend's girl, it's trying to make your friend into a better man. I just scrolled back and checked.. I did say this.
    A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the lyrics.

  9. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dagny_Kiara View Post
    I do believe I said a few times he should take action but the apporpriate action is not trying to take your friend's girl, it's trying to make your friend into a better man. I just scrolled back and checked.. I did say this.
    Based on what sap has told us I don't think making Nick a better man is the most logical route at all... but maybe we just have different takes on it.

    Maybe nick can be turned into the best bf ever... or maybe he just isn't someone that makes for a very good bf.
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  10. #40
    Telaran
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    At 19 you should be out having a good time and experiencing life to the fullest. Getting strung along by girls should tell you something about yourself. You sound like you have self esteem issues and you probably need to correct that issue before getting in between your friend and his "girlfriend". Girls can be brutal at any age but that age range can be particularly tough for a guy like you. You and Nick will probably end up getting in a fight over this, so you need to think this through. I am in no way putting you down. I just want to be honest with you. Someone will be hurt in this situation. Protect yourself emotionally and possibly physically.

  11. #41
    Sap
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dagny_Kiara View Post
    You seem like a good guy who wants to do the right thing... so what would you want Nick to do? Should he take your girl if he feels like he can do it better than you, or would you want him to give you some tough love and tell you that you need to treat her better.

    if they fail on their own, that's one thing, but your concern here should be your friend. Girlfriends come and go... if it doesn't work out is it worth losing your friend too?

    Best thing that you can do is lead by example as a friend and as a man. I think that's you anyway... you're obviously attracted and yet haven't moved in, that's your conscience talking.. heed it. If you're meant to be with this girl, the opportunity will present. Golden rule here hon... do unto others... /hugs... you're in a tough place, do the right thing.
    I want to just wait it out, because I know I'm not going to do anything. The issue with that is still my friend hating me for it. I want to sit down and talk to him, but he is nothing like that. If I have a problem with someone then I would talk to that person, so it's frustrating that he gives me a lot of hate to my back and acts like everything is ok any other time. I know doing nothing will not change me and Nicks relationship, he's a big talker but when it comes down to throughput he's really not that way. I just want to tell him that I wouldn't ever want to hurt him and Courtney.

    Quote Originally Posted by howcome View Post
    At 19 you should be out having a good time and experiencing life to the fullest. Getting strung along by girls should tell you something about yourself. You sound like you have self esteem issues and you probably need to correct that issue before getting in between your friend and his "girlfriend". Girls can be brutal at any age but that age range can be particularly tough for a guy like you. You and Nick will probably end up getting in a fight over this, so you need to think this through. I am in no way putting you down. I just want to be honest with you. Someone will be hurt in this situation. Protect yourself emotionally and possibly physically.
    That was mostly highschool, when I was strung along. I learned my lesson and know when a girl acts like that I'm through with them. Emotionally I'm not open to anyone, but I often lend an ear and a hug to someone else's problems. Self Esteem issues might be pushing it, but I guess reading my original post really doesn't go into the background of everything that has happened to me.
    I am Sap.
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  12. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by AbstractAngel View Post
    You are. Accept it, and move forward.

    First things first, just by the way you are posting, you can tell you have an attraction to this girl, and want to pursue it further. Friends can tell that about other friends. You're friend Nick may be acting immature, but if your writing has revealed anything, it seems that it isn't a secret you like her. I guarantee you this is why he doesn't want you around and isn't too happy about what you're doing. If you didn't have those feelings about her and were legitimately hanging out to hang out, he probably would just have asked you what the deal was and left it at that.

    You need to ask yourself a few things that only you can answer, and that nobody on this forum will be able to resolve for you.

    1. How close were you and Nick?
    2. Who met this girl first, and if it was you, did your friend know you liked her?
    3. Who do you honestly feel is more important, Nick or Courtney?

    Comments on Question 1:

    If you weren't really close to Nick before this, it shouldn't come as a surprise he's got his back up, and you will have to deal with potentially getting into a fist-a-cuffs over it eventually. You also have to get that you don't know what happens behind closed doors. She could be unloading her issues about her relationship on you, but you may be a secret cause of a lot of their issues. I can bet if he's being so obvious about excluding you, that's come between them in their relationship. That means that whether you meant it or not, you doing what you are doing right now has come between them.

    You also say he mistreats her. How so? Is this a "there are two sides to every story" kind of deal, or is it blatant and public? You mentioned you don't hit her, which leads me to believe he may? If that's the case, are you trying to save this girl from your friend? Is he usually like that? If he is, why didn't you confront him as a friend about it? There are a lot of questions surrounding that as well.

    Comments on Question 2:

    Was he hers to begin with? If so, let the relationship run its course, and focus on your friendships first. If this girl is really as worth it as you may think, it will come full circle. And I know a lot of guys talk about how "girls and guys can't really be friends" but I disagree. Mainly because I have been friends with guys my whole life, many of the same guys in fact. There is no awkwardness, we are like siblings more than anything. And my fiance through dating me has befriended many of them. Not to mention, everyone is different. Not everyone fits into a box you can categorize. That being said, I have only ever dated guys in the "friend zone". Mainly because I can't bring myself to that level of intimacy without actually getting to know the person well. I've tried to not date people in the friend zone and it never ever worked for me. Friend zone guys are where my long-term relationships have been, and are also the ones who I'm still friends with. Some are married now, some are not, but knowing a guy before dating him was always the smart option for me personally.

    If this is a scenario of you liking the girl and him finding out - nabbing her - and you just dealing with it, then you need to sort that out with Nick before you explode. That's not cool, and I get how if you gave it a shot and failed at a relationship (or vice versa) then asking if Nick is okay with you pursuing a relationship after the dust has settled would be acceptable. But pursuing it while the relationship is still happening is not cool and will end up with you making an enemy, regardless of who the girl is. Even if she means nothing to him, it's a friendship ending move right there because it's a matter of respect.

    Comments on Question 3:

    This is a tough question, and one that usually only hindsight can answer. Whether this girl likes you or not, she's taken and needs to work on that. My mother told me once "never convince yourself it's okay to be a mistress. Because once the "wife" is out of the way, and you become the wife, who becomes the mistress?" My point is, if she is showing interest in you while dating Nick, how can you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the same won't happen once you two start dating with some other guy? Some people do that, and depending on this girl's relationship list, you may want to ask yourself that. I'm not saying she's an a-moral jerk, I'm saying look before you leap on this one because you could end up losing more than Nick and Courtney over this, regardless of what people are telling you now. People can be sheep, and you may find yourself girl-less and friend-less depending on how this plays out. Remember that, and ask yourself if she's really worth it. If she isn't, at least you've got a friend. If you have her as a friend and can honestly %100 put all romantic ideas out of your mind, then you have nothing to be ashamed of, and your friend if he is a real friend will sit down and talk to you about it one on one. Clearing the air between you and your buddy Nick is extremely important, no matter how it turns out or what you decide to do.

    Anyway, just my opinion. I don't know you, or Nick, or Courtney, so my advice is based on the information you've given me, mixed with personal observations, ideals and experiences. Good luck to you either way and let us know how it turns out!
    You've addressed a lot of things, and I appreciate that.

    1. Nick and I were pretty good friends I guess. It was a group, 5 of us and has been for a few years until Courtney came into the picture. Now one of us left town for school, and it seems that the guy who left was the glue that held us together. Slowly slipping away only to re-hinge once our buddy comes back. So I guess we were pretty good friends, he would tell me things about Courtney when they first started spending time together, whatever he said I don't really remember, but he would choose me out of everyone and ask me my opinion on certain things. I guess he thought I had the most experience out of everyone else in the group at the time.

    2. I meet Courtney before they were dating, but it wasn't much I seen her. I thought she was a great looking girl but I wasn't pursuing her in anyway (I knew Nick liked her and didn't want to impede his boundaries, which I think that was why he would come to me and talk about her). I don't plan on going after her while they're in a relationship. It's something in my morals, and when writing my first post my morals were not in such a good place. I figure if something happens between them and Courtney is conceding in me and looking for comfort, then I'll do what I feel is right at the time. She said that me and her would be friends forever one night, and I laughed.

    3. I don't know about this one. I know, it sounds awful and I should be with my friend, but right now, he hasn't been that good of a friend to me. I plan on going and talking to him about how I'd never try to break them up, how he is my friend and I would not like to hurt him. Maybe my judgement is skewed because of me learning of what he actually thinks of me (I had ideas, but it was finally confirmed last night). I would like to say that me and Nick will be friends for a long time, but I feel like he's having second thoughts on our friendship as a whole. I know everything will be better (or at least make me feel a lot better) after talking to him

    I've also thought I was just part of an elaborate game like you mentioned. I'm just there until the next guy fills my space or whatever. And you may be right, that's why I'm going to have to wait until I can finally ease things with Nick and make the group of friends like it used to be. If it's just a game and lets say that I would start dating her, and she befriends someone and concedes all her emotions to that guy, I'd probably have to cut it off. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.
    I am Sap.
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  13. #43
    Rift Chaser Seefer's Avatar
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    Ok here's the deal, don't listen to the insecure kid who said no guy should hang out with his girlfriend, that is so immature and shows his insecurities, if he can't keep his woman happy enough that she would wander away that's his deal not yours. As for your situation, trust me man, been there.....and to be honest with you keep it friends, I made the mistake of dating a female friend of mine that I thought I really really wanted to be with but it turned out we were just that great of friends that we could turn to each other when we needed each other no matter what, and if your friend has an issue with it then he doesn't love her or like you as much as you guys think because he is acting like an insecure child.

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  14. #44
    Telaran
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    lol n1ce post...

    posting that on a board full of horny nerds, gj son.

  15. #45
    Ace
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    OP... Stop being such a wuss.

    Your boy Nick has some confidence issues and you're the target. If you're afraid he can beat you up then buy some pepper spray. Just remember to shoot it with the wind instead of against and that in case of accident raw liquid dish detergent (ie without water) applied to the area affected will break it down and remove it from skin. Just let it set a minute.

    Immature little Nick needs somebody to grow him up. F' him.

    These "friends" are people you'll not see again in a few years. You got to pick the people you want as part of your long term life. Do you want to be sitting there when you're 80 about to die and wondering what would have happened if you went out with her. Cause it sure sounds like you dig this chick.

    If she is into that other boy she'll tell you no at the right point (no harm nor foul) but thing is it sounds like she isn't and is looking for an oppurtunity to drop his bum a@@.

    Take your time and give it to her... If it doesn't work out at least you get some good memories and maybe l@id out of it.

    Go for it. This isn't a married woman. Dating is just that. When a woman likes you she makes it clear enough that the other little boys will sit there and look at you jealously.

    Man up boyo. Man up and make your life what you want it to be rather than sitting on some game forum whining with high school puberty sounding angst over something as simple as dating a cute girl. You're 19.
    Last edited by Ace; 02-07-2011 at 10:33 AM.

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