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Thread: 7 Personality Types in the Workplace (I Can't Stand)

  1. #1
    Plane Touched
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    Default 7 Personality Types in the Workplace (I Can't Stand)

    The Office did a pretty good job inventing a few personality types without straying too far from a formulaic approach people could relate to. Dwight is eccentric. Jim is charming. Steve Carell accidentally sets his balls on fire at least once every season. You get the idea. But typically I'm not annoyed by the more common office personalities like the idiot or the guy that just nods through every meeting because he's evidently the most agreeable person in the world. I don't care about them. What I care about is the handful of less discussed personalities I've encountered throughout career that force me to take up new hobbies like "drinking all the time" and "breaking stuff."

    7. Captain Cliche

    Let's establish a few prerequisites for the Captain. He's in sales. He shaves three times a day. He has a blue tooth headset wielded to his stupid face. That guy.

    If you don't hear someone say "bandwidth" at least six times a day, the Captain called in sick. If you don't hear a groan and something explode shortly after, I did. Everything out of his mouth is predictable, redundant, and you'll start to wonder if there's a factory somewhere in Ohio where a technician spilled a Frapuccino on a pair of pleated Khakis and the chemical reaction produced a billion of these tools.

    He refers to his marriage as "the wife" and his children as "the kids" but his car as "my car" and his house as "my house." If you ask him how is weekend was, he'll respond with something like "not long enough" followed by a wink and a smile that'll make your face hurt.

    His Powerpoint presentations are chalk full of buzz words and a pretty good indication that he learned how to communicate with other humans via a book written by soulless robots.

    6. The Bad Habit

    It took me a while to realize that people with bad habits consistently have a lot of them. The real issue is that the majority of their habits are unintentionally annoying, so calling them out or suggesting that they say, stop drumming the god damn Wipeout song on their desk will likely make you out to be the jerk. They're excessively good at producing noises no one inherently enjoys hearing like chewing ice, eating chips from a bag made out of material designed to interrogate prisoners, and making weird clicking sounds with their mouths at sporadic intervals. They start every call they make on speakerphone and the only time the cumulative blood pressure of the office drop is when they go to lunch. Which is never, because The Bad Habit always finds a way to eat at his desk and broadcast the entire god damned event through a megaphone.

    5. The Cubicle Whisperer

    Some people think that whispering is exactly like talking but breathier. These people always find a way to work as close to my desk as possible. But the irritating noise isn't the only problem.

    First, they're basically letting the entire office know that whatever it is they're discussing, isn't meant to be heard. People will just assume you're either talking about their hair, or planning on killing everyone in the office with a machete.

    Second, anyone they're speaking to is now an accomplice to the presumed genocide. They could be whispering about how their kid ate a bag of batteries and had to be rushed to the hospital but again everyone will just assume you're being offered an 8 ball of blow if you can find a way to get everyone in the same room on Tuesday morning.

    And last, let's face it, whispering means that if you ate anything other than strawberry syrup for lunch and you're within two feet of the recipient, you're blowing hot garbage into their mouth and inviting their own lunch to make a second appearance.

    4. The Social Idiot Savant

    I can't stand this guy. He gets a lot of lenience because he's evidently brilliant and brings more value to the company than half the people that want to punch him in the ear. Why you ask? Because he has the social skills of a four year old on Ecstasy. He'll "yeah" you to death while you're trying to finish a statement. He'll repeat exactly what you said back to you but in a quizzical format which translates to "I don't know what the hell you just said but it was probably stupid" in the human tongue. He'll smirk at suggestions in meetings and when he proposes an answer, he'll do so in a way that insinuates he "seriously does not understand how this wasn't already proposed, because holy **** it's so obvious guys."

    His third party defined elitism will become a self fulfilling prophecy, giving him an artificial sense of entitlement that allows him to act weirder and more socially inept than he really is, excusing every murder inducing action as excusable and interpreted as nothing more than "Paul just being Paul." Well **** you, Paul. Right in your exaggerated eccentricity.

    3. The Last Cup (Almost)

    Have you ever wandered into the breakroom, looking to fill up that cup with some deliciously generic coffee, only to find the there's about two ounces left sloshing around in the pot? That's because The Last Cup took it, and left just enough to obligate you to make more. It's one thing to finish the coffee and walk away, gleefully skipping to the sound of other people moaning about caffeine, but to actually take just enough and put the next person in that predicament makes you, truly, one of the biggest a-holes in the office. Even worse than the guy that keeps putting "escorts" on his expense reports.

    The only way to one-up their level of *****gery is by actually letting someone watch them do it and saying something like "saved ya some!" as they leave the room to go push an old lady down an elevator shaft.

    2. The Closet Racist

    Let's say you just started a new job, and as you become familiarized with the people in the office, you hit it off with a few select individuals (or if you're like me, virtually no one). A few of them seem lunch-group worthy simply because you don't want to be the guy eating a Chick Fil A sandwich in your car and watching Cats Barfing to techno music on your smartphone. "Yes," you say, "I'd love to accompany you to the delicatessen down the street. A pastrami sandwich sounds delightful!" Given the size of the group you split into two cars, and you're riding shotgun alone with The Closet Racist. The conversation is pretty standard; how's the job, where do you commute from, etc. Everything seems relatively normal and you arrive at the deli before the other guys. You order your food and that's when, in the safety of the outside world, your new friend casually mentions "these jews make a mean sandwich." That's when you realize something is wrong. But perhaps it was an accident. Then you start to recall all of the borderline offensive statements he made on your first week. Like the day he said his computer was "kind of ghetto" and he "drove to work like an asian" because he was running late.

    Now, granted the Closet Racist is a horrible person outside and in the office, but the reason he made it so far on this particularly list is given office politics, it's difficult to call him out. Sure, you could say "I don't really appreciate that kind of humor" but who knows how that'll effect your social status in the office and your job in general. Besides, you're probably just being sensitive, right?

    Wrong. The Closet Racist is testing the waters of hate, and seeing how deep you're willing to swim. The N word will drop eventually, followed by a series of bigoted commentary that'll eventually upset you because when he runs out of mainstream statements he'll resort to weird, obscure references like how everyone that wears turquoise has a sexual infatuation with their mother.

    Avoid him at all costs, or on your first day tell him you'd go to lunch with him but you don't like watching white people eat. The latter always produces great results (especially if you're white).

    1. Absolutely Anyone in The Event Planning Committee

    These people are responsible for more than you think, and most companies have one. If you're receiving Halloween emails filled with terrible puns and wacky clip-art akin to the stickers you use to slap on your trapper keeper in grade school, that's them. If you've been invited to a voluntary (see obligated) company picnic with pizza and prizes and animatronic bears or whatever the hell they normally do at children's birthday parties, sure enough - that's them again. Sure, their goal is to keep people motivated, and I'd argue that while it's beneficial (holy hell! free food guyz!) for the majority, the minority of us that don't look forward to Family Spaghetti Night all week it has a lasting, opposite effect. You sudden realize that not only are they trying to raise morale as they would a frightened child, but they're utilizing company money to do it without your express permission or consent. That means company profits are being reintroduced as revenue flavored jelly beans. So next time they hire a clown for the Ice Cream You Scream Halloween Monster Mash, ask him to make a balloon animal in the shape of a gun.

    These are all people I've worked with at one point or another in my career, and all of them have eventually contributed to me leaving my job. Granted I'm not exactly the greatest person to work with, but at least I have social etiquette, make coffee for everyone to enjoy, and some of my best friends are black.
    Last edited by Homebrew; 11-02-2011 at 10:34 AM.

  2. #2
    Prophet of Telara Neo Omni's Avatar
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    There is a lot to be said about blue-collar work. You clock in...do your job...clock out.

    Seems only white-collar workers have the luxury of scrutinizing other's personalities, gossiping or (my favorite)...checking their facebook/twitter/personal email account while "working."

    Yet they are paid more than "common laborers." Ironic huh?
    Last edited by Neo Omni; 11-02-2011 at 10:43 AM.


  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neo Omni View Post
    There is a lot to be said about blue-collar work. You clock in...do your job...clock out.

    Seems only white-collar workers have the luxury of scrutinizing other's personalities, gossiping or (my favorite)...checking their facebook/twitter/personal email account while "working."

    Yet they are paid more than "common laborers." Ironic huh?
    Yep, but it's just supply and demand dude. A lot of people can build a bridge. A lot less can design one.

    Not to mention the more credit / power / money people get the more they gain a sense of awesome entitlement and human nature becomes a wave of selfish crapmouthing.

  4. #4
    Rift Chaser Ruprect1's Avatar
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    This made me LOL. Awsome list!

    Especially the Bad Habit and the Last Cup. Rofl.
    Last edited by Ruprect1; 11-02-2011 at 10:48 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Englshredwolf View Post
    thanks point dexter, ill wait for some more comments from other, less rude people.

  5. #5
    Shield of Telara Verja's Avatar
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    I laughed quite a bit while reading this. Homebrew I want you to write more often. Is there a blog I can subscribe to?
    The daemonic are without number, and their legions span the galaxy. But faith does not tire. Should it take us an eternity, the Ordo malleus will find and exterminate them all. - Lord Hephaestos Grudd

  6. #6
    RIFT Community Ambassador the_real_seebs's Avatar
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    One of the joys of my life is that I've ended up at a low-politics job where people view my habit of spectacular mistakes as a sort of running joke, and put up with it because it comes with my habit of brilliant solutions to hard problems. :P

    Basically, the net impact of my presence on the productive output of my coworkers is sufficiently positive to more than pay for my time. The rest is a bonus.
    You can play WoW in any MMO. You don't have to play WoW in RIFT. Oh, and no, RIFT is not a WoW clone. Not having fun any more? Learn to play, noob! I don't speak for Riftui, but I moderate stuff there. Just came back? Welcome back! Here's what's changed. (Updated for 2.5!)

  7. #7
    Champion Cassiel of harrow's Avatar
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    I work with 3000+ other people and my number 1 gripe are the last cups. Nothing burns me more than walking to the break room and seeing not 1, but 4+ coffee makers hit by last cups. Before I started hitting up the Starbucks in the cafeteria I swear I was making a new pot of coffee each time I went to a station.

    Here's another one

    #8 Bathroom Jock - This employee likes to utilize the entire bathroom for changing rather than remain behind the curtain. He especially finds the location directly in front of the bathroom door the most appealing which is where he chooses to dry off his shins and feet, giving you a sort of instant scarring as you wander in. And as if the 40 year old man *** is not disturbing enough, they prefer to make the situation even more awkward by striking up a conversation with you while you are stuck at the urinal, forcing you with a decision to either try to be courteous and respond, or to apply more pressure to speed up the task at hand, possibly injuring something in the process.
    These types are a rare but they are like bathroom landmines, random and devastating to unsuspecting victims.

  8. #8
    Ascendant Vyxagallanxchi's Avatar
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    Once again Homebrew, you've made my day.

    Good to be forewarned about the office world I get to head into hopefully in the summer lol.
    Quote Originally Posted by Majorin View Post
    Think of a 30 meter circle around all ranged dps rogues and mages. Ranged dps can stand in the back line and focus fire targets without worrying about mobility and most forms of cc.
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    Sounds like an excellent plan for your healers to follow as well, as they have an even longer range on their heals.

  9. #9
    Ascendant Eughe's Avatar
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    My place of work is pretty politically/socially driven. But most of us are fairly young. So its more like a giant highschool.

    We really group by departments. Full departments do not usually mix with each other, but there are a few that can cross between departments and socialize well.

    But we do have a several #7s
    A few #6s
    3 #4s, minus the savant
    A crap ton of #2s, although a good portion of us are black and spanish (where most of the racism is blatant ironically) several of the white people who are able to break into the departmental segregation has made it into that comfort zone in which racist remarks are not perceived as a problem (ie they get away with black and Spanish jokes without consequence. Well all except for one, but thats where politics come in)

    And we do have a group of #1s who are probably the most obnoxious. Always hitting the office up for collections for someone no one knows/cares about and buying them something idiotic that happens to have your name on it.

    Although they always end up having office parties at swanky places so they get a slide.

  10. #10
    Ascendant Archemys's Avatar
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    Those Jews do make a good sandwich.

    I hear they're great at finance too.
    <Coriolis>
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  11. #11
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    Another great post, HB. You need to create an anthology of these, for I fear I may have missed one.

    Pretty much I want to punch all these people in the junk when I run into them at work. This is why I changed careers from working with people to working with computers.

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