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Thread: The Story Of How Pyros Got Nerfed (24 Style)

  1. #1
    Rift Master
    Join Date
    Feb 2011

    Default The Story Of How Pyros Got Nerfed (24 Style)


    * Increased the Burning Bright bonus to Fire damage to 0.4/0.8/1.2% for each point spent in the Pyromancer soul for PVE damage, PVP damage still uses the previous 0.2/0.4/0.6% bonus.
    * The damage of Fulminate and Cinder Burst has been reduced by 20% in PVP.
    * Inferno now triggers a global cooldown when it is cast, and the damage has been reduced by 10% in PvP.
    Trion learned from Mythic when they tried to nerf Bright Wizards: Gersh is not easily swayed. Seeing the same thing happening with Pyros, Trion got desperate. They needed help. They needed the one man who could talk sense into Gersh, before their game went up in flames of fire-based wizards, just like Warhammer.

    They needed Jack Bauer.

    Jack Bauer: "I'm Jack Bauer... and this is the longest day of my life."

    The following takes place between 9:00 AM and 9:10 AM in Trion's Headquarters. Events occur in real time.

    Gersh: "So, guys, I had this amazing idea for a new pyro spell... we'll call it the BIG FORKING FIREBALL. When cast, it hits up to 5 people within 40 meters for 8000 damage!"
    Dev 1: "But... Gersh... won't that 1 shot 5 people with one spell?"
    Gersh: "That would be the point, wouldn't it?"
    Dev 1: "I dunno... sounds kind of overpowered, y'know?"
    Gersh: "Ha ha, oh you're so cute... and fired. Get it? Fired? Fire... Pyro buffs? "
    *Room is silent as Dev 1 leaves*
    Gersh: "LAUGH MINIONS."
    *The developers chuckle uneasily*

    Developer 2 sneaks out for a smoke with Developer 3.

    Dev 2: "This has to end. If he buffs Pyros any more, he's going to make it so players combust into flames in real life when they get hit by fulmigate."
    Dev 3: "What did you have in mind? Maybe we can buff warriors... if they can control and destroy pyros..."
    Dev 2: "We already tried that pre-release. That was when there were 6 of us... now, we're down to 2. Now... Warriors are no longer played."
    Dev 3: "Not... exactly. There is one warrior left."

    Trion Headquarters. Heroic Music plays. Jack Bauer steps out of a car... Dev 2 and 3 meet him

    Dev 2: "Thank you for coming, Mr. Bauer."
    Bauer: "Where is he...?"
    Dev 3: "He's locked himself in his office. He's releasing 1.3... It's going to be bad, Jack. Real. Freaking. Bad."
    Bauer: "More Pyro buffs...?"
    Dev 2: "Pyro buffs like you can't even imagine. Tell him about the Big Forking Fireball."
    Bauer: "... my god. If this patch goes live, tens of thousands of subscribers will leave."
    Dev 3: "You're our only hope, Mr. Bauer."

    Trion Headquarters. Dark Interior. Really futuristic looking

    Gersh: *on a cellphone*: "I've done what you've asked, Jeff. Just as Warhammer fell, so to will Rift. None will stand in World of Warcrafts way."
    Cut to Jeff Kaplan, President of Blizzard, sitting in his corner penthouse office with a headset on.
    Kaplan: "Be sure that it doesn't, Mr. Gershowitz. If you ever want a job at Blizzard, you're going to have to do this right. I want our competition to be nerfed. Into. The. Ground."
    Gersh: "I won't fail you."
    Kaplan: "Oh, and Mr. Gershowitz... don't ever call me Jeff again."
    Gersh: "Sorry, my lord."

    Jack, armed with a pistol, goes into Gersh's office. Gersh is sitting at his desk, hand hovering over the Enter key..

    Gersh: "Welcome to my barbecue, Mr. Bauer... that's another pyro pun, FYI."
    Bauer: "I'm only going to ask you once... nerf the damn pyros."
    Gersh: "What you fail to understand, Jack, is that if you shoot me - my finger falls on the Enter button. Pyro buffs like you wouldn't dream of will bring this game to its knees. Have you ever been crit by a 20k damage Cinder Burst? Can you imagine how that's going to work? It will be the end of Trion as you know it... not even Defiance will dig it out of the grave I'll put it in."
    Bauer: "Not even you are that crazy, Gersh... what do you want?"
    Gersh: "There is a job opening at Blizzard Entertainment. Designing the Mage Fire Tree. I want it... and I want you to get it for me. Do that, and I won't ruin Rift."
    Bauer: "Blizzard... has a player base of tens of millions... and you want control of their Fire Wizards? How many more gamers have to stop playing MMOs before you're happy. ANSWER ME!"
    Gersh: "Oh... it's not just about the gamers, Jack. You're sounding like one of them now. Always worried about subscription numbers. Profit margins... you embody them, even if you don't want to admit it. Always craving balance. Always wanting to master their environment. Making things fair... even Steven across the boards."
    Bauer: "There's nothing wrong with game balance, Gersh - it lets people play what they want..."
    Gersh: "It makes them SLAVES!" *bangs his fist on the desk* "Nothing more than Homogenized SLAVES! No, no no.... freedom and true power can only come from creating IMBALANCE - the very taste of life. And what better way to embody that imbalance than beings who wield fire as their weapon. Fire doesn't care if it one-shots your house... or your car... or your entire planet. All BURN before the eyes of the Pyromancer... THAT... Mr. Bauer... is TRUE. CLASS. BALANCE!"

    *Gersh tries to push Enter*

    Bauer: "NO!"

    *Gersh pushes Enter before Jack can shoot him in the shoulder.*

    Gersh falls over, laughing, holding his shoulder. Lights in Trion flicker. Alarm sounds: "Patch 1.3: Rebirth of the Pyromancer... Going Live In 60 Seconds.

    Bauer: "Abort it, or I swear, I *will* kill you."
    Gersh: "Ha ha ha... it's too late, Jack. The specifications have already been sent to the launch room. Just sit back, and bask in the flames!"

    "50 Seconds until Launch"

    Bauer: "Dammit, Gersh! You were once a man. A good developer... you were one of the brains behind Dark Age of Camelot, the best RVR game ever released. What happened to you?"
    Gersh: "That was... before World of Warcraft... that was another time."
    Bauer: "It's not too late. You can undo this."
    Gersh: "Why do you defend them, Bauer? I want to bring us back to a time when MMOs required strategy. Required thought. When players didn't believe every class but theirs should be nerfed into the ground... where people found ways to counter classes that are overpowered! They simply became better players, not better whiners!"
    Bauer: "You can't use a sledgehammer, Adam. You can't change what a player wants."

    "40 Seconds until Launch"

    Gersh: "No... they will change. They MUST change. When I land the job at Blizzard, and break Fire Mages so that they blow up raid bosses in one critical hit, the entire MMO Community will finally see..."
    Bauer: "What do you think they will see?"
    Gersh: "They will see that class imbalance is what makes games truly worth playing!"

    "30 Seconds until Launch"

    Bauer: "Don't make me do this, Gersh... override the launch... We're running out of time!"
    Gersh: "What are you going to do, Jack? Are you going to kill me... just to stop it?"
    Bauer: "I WILL IF I HAVE TO!"
    Gersh: "Then less QQ, more PewPew Jack!"

    "20 Seconds Until Launch"

    Bauer: "I'm done trying to reason with you, Adam! NERF THE DAMN PYROS!"
    Gersh: "NEVER."
    Bauer: "Then... you leave me no choice. Damn you!"

    Jack sits down at Gersh's computer, begins furiously typing.

    Gersh: "What are you trying to do, Jack?"
    Bauer: "I'm buffing every calling in the game... so that even a 0/0/0 can 1 shot anyone."
    Gersh: "... Ha ha ha... you're crazy Jack, you'll destroy Rift even faster than I will!"
    Bauer: "Maybe... but the classes will all be balanced. Pyros won't be special. They'll be just like everyone else... HOMOGENIZED! No one will need strategy to beat anyone else!"

    *pushes Enter*

    Bauer: "JUST...

    *pushes Enter*

    Bauer: "LIKE..."

    *pusher Enter*

    Bauer: "WoW."

    "New Patch Notes Modified! 10 seconds to launch.

    Gersh: "You wouldn't."
    Bauer: "You can stop me, Gersh... just give me the abort code."
    Gersh: "I won't... you won't..."
    Bauer: "It's over, Gersh."

    5 Seconds.

    Gersh: "JACK! NO!"

    4 Seconds


    Gersh: "ALT+T... The Code is Alt+T!"

    Bauer deactivates the patch launch. The lights go back to full brightness, and Jack sits back in his chair, breathing a sigh of relief

    Gersh: "You may have won today, Jack. Pyros may get nerfed in 1.3... but just remember, MMOs last a long time. It may not be today. It may not be in 1.4... or 1.5... but one day, they will let their guards down... and when they do..." *makes a pow gesture* "Fulmigate crit for over 9000."

    Jack rises to leave. He looks down at Gersh.

    Bauer: "By then... Star Wars The Old Republic and Guild Wars 2 will be out. I can only hope, by then, they will have learned... and developers like you will be extinct."

    Gersh: "Hah! The game may change. But every game will always be made of rules. And... I make the rules. You're fighting a battle you cannot win."

    Bauer: "After two failed MMOs, Gersh... you won't have a career anymore. You won't be working for Blizzard, Bethesda or Bioware or any other company that starts with B. You'll have a job developing burgers at McDonalds... and the only things you'll get to burn are the french fries."

    Gersh: "You're so naive Jack... what makes you think I already don't have a job offering from Bioware RIGHT NOW?"

    Bauer: "No.... They wouldn't..."

    Gersh: "Oh yes. After I finish with Telara and Azeroth... I'll see you on Tatooine... and though Sith Inquisitors shoot lightning, and not fire... I will simply adapt. Lightning can burn just as overpoweredly as fire."

    Bauer: "DAMMIT!"

    Jack punches the wall and storms out, heading down the hallway

    Gersh (yelling off screen): "I'll see you in the next generation of MMOs, Mr. Jack Bauer!"

    Silent countdown to 9:10 AM

  2. #2
    Rift Disciple
    Join Date
    Oct 2010


    It was okay.

  3. #3
    Champion Coffande's Avatar
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    Jan 2011


    What. The. ****.
    That was hilarious.
    Nearly spit my coffee across the desk.

  4. #4
    Plane Walker
    Join Date
    Feb 2011


    Bravo. What a way to start my work day.

  5. #5
    Ascendant -Swag-'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010



  6. #6
    RIFT Guide Writer Ninjahax's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011


    Well done. That was a good read and anyone who has seen 24 before can appreciate how spot-on his storytelling was.

  7. #7
    Plane Walker Tisch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010


    that was a great start to my morning thank you for that amazing story might read it again tomorrow
    Last edited by Walsingham; 06-16-2011 at 09:05 AM. Reason: Language
    And the little Warrior said to the little Mage "One day I'm going to grow up to be a fierce dual wielding Paragon and people will run in fear because I'll be so Intimidating in Battle" The Mage looked at the little Warrior and said "Ya well, I'm going to be a Pyromancer" and that was that.
    \(Q_Q)/ <---sad paragon

  8. #8
    Ascendant Laughingstock's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011


    As someone who played Warhammer at launch and several months after before throwing my hands up in the air at that game watching them ruin it, I approve of this thread.

    Line worthy of sig:

    Dev 3: "He's locked himself in his office. He's releasing 1.3... It's going to be bad, Jack. Real. Freaking. Bad."
    Last edited by Laughingstock; 06-16-2011 at 05:29 AM.

  9. #9
    Ascendant Landru's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011

    Thumbs up


  10. #10
    Prophet of Telara
    Join Date
    Feb 2011


    I laughed.... but it got a little long. Attention span of a gnat here.... hard partying in the 90's kind of left me that way.

    But yeah.... don't worry. Everything will be ok.

    RIP 24.... I miss you.

  11. #11
    Rift Disciple Melliya's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011


    I never read anything from start to finish here....or from any forum!

    That was very funny!!

    Thanks for the laugh

  12. #12
    Rift Master
    Join Date
    Mar 2011


    i totally had to force myself to make it through all that but also totally worth it all the way up in till the end.

  13. #13
    Plane Walker
    Join Date
    Jan 2011


    Very nicely done, that was a great laugh =D

  14. #14
    Champion of Telara xeshaka's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010


    I felt like I was watching an episode of 24, impressive. The only thing that was missing was Jack mentioning all the innocent MMO players that will get hurt!!!
    Last edited by xeshaka; 06-16-2011 at 07:51 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Effi View Post
    I have seen the desecrations they have done, the murders they have wrought, and it can be no sin to be the hand of justice.

  15. #15
    Plane Touched
    Join Date
    Feb 2011


    24 was a crappy show.

    Should have done a real homage to MacGyver instead.

    Oh, and I don't see how they can possibly still be complaining about Pyromancers, who haven't been anything since 1.2 really. Instead, I'd look to be more worried about self-healing Clerics since 1.2, who are only getting buffed in 1.3 even more so. Really, nobody complains about that? Their damage may be mediocre in some situations, but they will heal through any damage they take and kill you in the mean time.

    But one player said before, all that players look to complain about is single numbers, and because the Pyromancer has the highest single-hit ability (on a 6sec cast mind you), people complain because they look at that single number. A Rogue, who does 1.5k hit twice in 3 seconds, is apparently worse off than a Pyro doing 3k on a single hit in 6 seconds. Yep, that's the normal logic of this generation's MMO players. The golden years have faded and past, I really wish that World of Warcraft didn't bring in so many millions of mindless idiots into the genre.  88610
    "Your worth consists in what you are and not in what you have."
    "What you are will show in what you do."
    --Thomas A. Edison

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